All of the work, including photographs and text, on this and the other ScapeSpeare pages is courtesy of PyeCat, who generously allowed us to post it. His website, Focus on Farscape, is loaded with outstanding convention reports. 


ACT FIVE

PROLOGUE

Enter PILOT as Chorus. PILOT’s face now has a big lipstick smooch mark!

PILOT:
Pray pardon mine absence, whilst my Moya
And I did ... refine our close interface.
By now thou hast seen, through these wily acts
Our players and pieces fall into place
For a long due wedding, or two, or more
(E’en Moya and I might ask to take vows!)
Yet ever on Farscape, as ‘pon life’s stage
Something yet shall twist - but ask what or how!
Olivia’s imager doth still be jammed
And with her brother she’ll yet reunite
D’Argo’s letter to Chi yet must be read
And the face of Stark’s bride soon come to light ...
While, the plots of Harvey still loom ‘bove all
Will our end as com’dy or trag’dy fall?

Enter RYGEL and CRAIS stage right. Enter D’ARGO stage left.

D’ARGO: How now, Dominar, your flatulance? How now, Sir Crais?

RYGEL:
Well enough, well enough, D’Argo. My plans for his ship (nods at Crais) may require further ponderance ... but we gather for a wedding ... and what would weddings be without FEASTING!

D’ARGO:
For once, m’lord, I find I cannot argue with thee!

CRAIS:
Feasts, bah. Would I had a wedding of mine own ... Dominar, thou Belcher, you said the Lady would be mine!

RYGEL:
The newly Sir Knight Crais still pines of old for Aeryn.

D’ARGO:
Come now, sir ... she was ever for John Crichton, and even death could be no obstacle, however it tried. The course of their true love never did run smooth ... yet it easily runneth uphill.

CRAIS:
Perhaps, perhaps ... still, mine ‘tis a lonely life. Aeryn was close as ever I ... well, nay ... perchance I did feel cupid’s very sting once ... o’er a boolite ...

Enter JOOL stage left.

JOOL:
Where be Aeryn, the happy bride? I came as soon as I heard of thy swift messenger, D’Argo! Well-met, Rygel ... and ... Captain Crais!

CRAIS:
My sparkling Jool!

CRAIS and JOOL run towards each other in exaggerated slow-motion. RYGEL grins hugely ... as CRAIS and JOOL move to a corner of the stage to cuddle. Braca pushes them forward so the audience can get a good look.

RYGEL:
Hmmph. Three weddings this day. Someone had best order more food!

Enter STANZ and OLIVIA, stage left.

D’ARGO:
And here comes Crichton, first among grooms!

RYGEL:
Crichton, thou fool! Should you not be dressing at this hour? Must I do all thy thinking for thee?

OLIVIA:
Dressing, m’lord?

RYGEL:
Is thy mind yet tossing in the wormhole? For the wedding!

OLIVIA:
What wedding, m’lord?

D’ARGO:
Ever the jester, John!

RYGEL:
We do call them Fools, here, D’Argo. With reason, as thou seest.

OLIVIA:
Pray pardon, friends ... I was away to the moon, meeting with Stanz, here ...

D’ARGO:
Notable pirate, thou starry night thief! Come you for the wedding, then? A bridesmaid, perhaps ...

STANZ:
Come now, sir! Stanz never yet was thief or pirate! Well, perchance a little pirate. By any chance ... nay, it happens I’m here for Oli ... err, John. To test a theory and, in hope, a solution.

OLIVIA:
My lord, what is this wedding?

D’ARGO:
THY wedding, John! To Aeryn, at last!

OLIVIA:
What? No, m’lord, not I!

RYGEL:
Dissembling knave, enough with thy tomfoolery! Even thou can not this deny!

OLIVIA:
But I never -

Enter CRICHTON and AERYN stage right. Behind them are SIKOZU, NORANTI, CHIANA, STARK, and ZHAAN. Everyone stares at the “two Johns”.

CRICHTON:
We are sorry, friends, to so keep you all wait - what?

Aeryn's Court 4

The crowd parts, looking back and forth between CRICHTON and OLIVIA, who can finally see each other.

AERYN, puzzled, looks at Crichton, then Olivia, then Crichton, then leans back and checks out Crichton's butt *which was hidden by the cursed cloak!* looks at audience, smiles and nods. She KNOWS which is the real Crichton!

D’ARGO:
John! Tell me thou hast not yet again made division of thyself!

CRAIS:
An apple cleft in two is not more twin than these two creatures! Which is Crichton?

STANZ:
Both be Crichton, truly ...

CRICHTON:
Do I stand there? I but once had a brother,
Nor can there be that deity in my nature
Of here and everywhere. I had a sister,
Whom long light years wormhole-less keep at bay ...

OLIVIA:
Hope was ever thy word, ever a way ...

OLIVIA looks to STANZ, who checks the “holo imager” on her belt.

STANZ:
Aye, m’lady. ‘Tis safe now.

OLIVIA:
Then, John ... you have regained a sister this day.

OLIVIA at last discards her Crichton disguise - or at least the hat, loosing her hair! CRICHTON and OLIVIA hug.

CRICHTON:
Olivia!

Everyone hugs and chatters a bit. Then AERYN looks claps commandingly.

AERYN:
I find myself impatient ... and as I am still the Lady of this castle ... let us tarry no more! To thy places, gentle friends!

NORANTI guides STARK and ZHAAN forward.

NORANTI:
Let us first be certain of these two. Friend Stark, will you take this gardener’s hand before the company, and swear to marry her?

Stark Proposes to Zhaan

STARK: (to Zhaan)
Give me your hand before these our friends. I am your husband, if you like of me.

ZHAAN lifts her veil, the gardener’s true face at last revealed. Both the audience members we fooled gasp in awe. Then they go back to sleep. :?P

ZHAAN:
And when I lived, I was all but your wife.

NORANTI:
She died, my lord ... but ever a seed yet lived.

More boggling all around, and cheers.

CRICHTON:
Then a most merry double wedding this shall be!

JOOL drags CRAIS forward.

JOOL:
Or ... triple? What think you, m’lord, my lady Aeryn?

CRAIS nods happily, giddily, echoing her request.

AERYN:
O-kaaaaaaaay ... that is to say, whyfore not, happy friends?

OLIVIA:
Perchance even ... quadruple, should m’lord ...

OLIVIA turns hopefully to D’ARGO, at least revealing her secret love - but he already turns to CHIANA.

D’ARGO:
Soooo ... Chiana, m’lady ...

D'Argo & Chiana

CHIANA:
We two at a wedding. Whoever would have thought ...

D’ARGO:
Umm ... m’lady ... receive you my letter, then?

CHIANA:
Letter, m’lord? Oh, letter! Received but unread ... pray pardon ...

CHIANA pulls a letter out of left side of her bodice, checks it and puts it back, pulls a letter our of the right side of her bodice, checks it and puts it back, and finally pull a letter from the center of her bodice and reads.

I knew from the start, thou art one great frell
But more than that, dear, only time could tell
But tell it has, and methinks in the end...
Perhaps tis better to just remain friends?”

CHIANA looks up at a bashful D’ARGO, and smiles

Friends, m’lord.

CHIANA and D’ARGO hug, then CHIANA moves to whisper in OLIVIA’s ear.

CHIANA:
Have at him, my friend!

OLIVIA gathers her courage and steps towards D’Argo.

OLIVIA:
Gentle D’Argo, I must truly confess
Not for John alone did I make my way
‘Gainst chance and reason, to these star-swept shores.
Never till now, to any would I say ...
Never could you have known, when you left Earth ...
But you did take my heart, a stowaway.

D’ARGO:
And never till now did I see, forsooth ...
That mine own was left behind. What say you,
John ... would it please you if I should become
Thy best man, friend, and true brother this day?

CRICHTON:
Nothing more, old friend. Now this ends like an old play!

Enter HARVEY, stage left, with BRACA. HARVEY is limping, bandaged with toilet paper, and carries an OZME bomb.

HARVEY:
None so fast, m’lord! All of you have done me notorious wrong! I shall be revenged ... as this bomb I bring shall turn all weddings to funerals!

Bomb Threat

CHIANA:
If we have wronged thee, Harvey, ‘twas you that furnished the cause!

HARVEY:
Only for you did furnish the cause for my cause!

CHIANA:
What cause? I gave thee no cause! Never would I give thee cause - blech!

HARVEY:
Madam, you did! Pray you peruse this letter. (Nods to BRACA, who hands CHIANA the letter.) You must not now deny it is your hand.

CHIANA:
Truly, black Harvey, this is NOT my writing,
Though I confess much like the character.
But out of question, ‘tis Sikozu’s hand.

Everyone looks at SIKOZU, who calmly steps up in front of HARVEY.

SIKOZU:
Most freely I confess, myself and Rygel
Set this device against my dear Harvey here.

HARVEY:
Thy dear?

Harvey tosses the bomb over his shoulder; Braca quickly stamps on the fuse!

SIKOZU:
Aye, m’lord. If, sir, you would yet be so ...
In my trick’s recompense I would marry you.
In thee, much yet lives of my dear Scorpy.
Do they not say, that which we call a thorn
By any other word would prick as sharp?
Besides ... thou makest me laugh!

ZHAAN:
And thus the whirligig of grace ends all our revenges.

CRICHTON:
By other words...we waited for the wheel.

Harvey & Sikozu Propose

SIKOZU and HARVEY embrace. RYGEL turns to NORANTI.

RYGEL:
Five weddings now?

NORANTI:
Six, if count we Moya and Pilot ...

RYGEL:
Almost I feel ... left out.

NORANTI:
Then perchance ‘tis time for me to mention, Dominar ... I have grown accustomed to thy odor.

RYGEL:
Would that be a proposal, m’lady?

NORANTI:
Well ... thou can’t but improve ‘pon the egg whisk.


RYGEL:

Aye, then, so be it ... what’s one more wedding
To such a polygamist as myself!
Noranti, my new lady wife thou’ll be!

CHIANA:
Awwww ... seven weddings, and yet not one for Chi?

Stanz & Chiana Comiserate

STANZ: (nodding agreement)
Aye! Hardly a perfect finale is this!

CHIANA:
Unless ...

At the same moment, CHIANA and STANZ rush to either side of BRACA, tugging on his arms.

STANZ:
I’ll have him!

CHIANA:
Nay, no way! I did see him first, thou tralk!

STANZ:
Thou strumpet!

CHIANA:
Whore!

STANZ:
Thou ... common gamester!

BRACA smoothly interrupts the catfight.

BRACA:
M’ladies, m’ladies! Fight you no more!
The answer here is quite easily found.
Of Miklo Brace, I do promise thee
Lovelies, there’s more than enough to go round!

CHIANA and STANZ exchange shrugs.

CHIANA:
A bold plan, m’lord ... but game am I!

STANZ:
So too says me ... so husband and wife and wife we shall be!

AERYN:
Right then! To the chantry, m’lords and ladies ...

Braca & the Beauties

CRICHTON:
For the first octuple wedding this world hath ever seen!

Exit ALL stage left.

EPILOGUE

Enter ALL stage right, now “married”; couples enter arm in arm, in the order that they speak ... except for Crais and Jool, who are still busy making out. Loudly.

OLIVIA:
Our revels now our ended ...

D’ARGO:
These our actors, as reason tells you, were all spirits

CHIANA:
And are melted into air

BRACA:
Into thin air ...

STANZ:
And like the baseless fabric of this vision ...

PILOT:
The cloud-born Builders, the Royal Planets,

ZHAAN:
The Delvian temples,

STARK:
Great Moya herself

HARVEY:
Yea, all TV inherits, shall dissolve

SIKOZU:
Leave not a rod behind.

NORANTI:
We are such stuff as dreams are made on

RYGEL:
And our little life is rounded with a sleep. (Yawns)

AERYN:
Thus gentle dreams of yours our stars must light, if we’re ever ‘gain so far to Scape on Sci-Fi nights. Though we might want series to enjoy, art to enchant, our ending is not despair ...

CRICHTON:
For ever on we journey ... (Taps his temple) just in there. As you our bards shall ever be, let your imagining set us free.

ALL bow ... and enjoy the wild adulation! Congratulations once again, folks!

‘Tis THE END!

   

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