Enter OLIVIA, stage left, running right across and off again stage
right. Enter BRACA, stage left, running across after her, holding up the handcuffs.
Crichton! She returns these rings to you sir!
I never gave you aught!
Exit BRACA stage right. After a moment, OLIVIA returns stage right,
crossing to center and turning to the audience.
Lost him, for the nonce. If I could but lose this second self so easily ...
Cruel fortune, this outside Aeryn did see!
She loves John sure! We all saw it on Earth.
Now I’m the man. If it be so, as ‘tis,
Poor soldier, she were better love a dream.
And yet, what dreams may come if we yet hope?
False hope I bring ... may yet lead to the true.
O ... to be John, or not to be at all!
That is the question ... whether ‘tis nobler
With my disguise to make Aeryn suffer ...
Or take arms against this dratted device
And by opposing, likely end myself.
Nay ... we all must hold hope little longer.
John Crichton may yet live, and his sister
May love ... but of that I will not yet speak.
O Time, thou must untangle this, not I.
It is too hard a knot for me t’untie.
OLIVIA sighs and exits stage left.
Enter RYGEL and CRAIS, stage right ...
Come, good Sir Crais. Not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes, thou know’st -
Nay, by my troth, I know not. But I know to be up late is to be up late.
A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfilled belly, or three. To be up after midnight and to
go to bed then, is early, so that to go to bed after midnight is to be up betimes. Does not
our lives consist of the four elements?
Morn-meal, noon-meal, dusk-meal, and ‘tween-meals?
Thou’rt a scholar! Let us therefore eat and drink. (Calling offstage right)
Sikozu, a stoop of wine!
Enter STARK and SIKOZU stage right.
Here come the Fools, in faith.
Welcome! All are welcome when Dominar Rygel holds court at midnight.
Except the Sun, of course.
By my troth, that Fool has an excellent breast!
SIKOZU slaps CRAIS. CRAIS just looks confused.
Beg pardon, m’lady - twas in the old text!
Old text is but history, m’lord. Try that again and so shall you be.
Come, come! Let us not bicker and argue. A song, Fools! Let’s have a song.
Very well. Will you have a love song, or a song of good life?
For all but never do they sing together.
A love song, a love song!
Aye, I care not for a good life.
Then the song is mine ...
SIKOZU begins “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” upon the recorder.
STARK dances cheerfully along...then launches into a death metal rock god rendition of ...
Come Away, Come Away, Death
And in sad forest let me be laid
Fly away, fly away breath
I was slain with my fair blue maid ...
O my flower, o my flower sweet
I seek the ground where you have grown
Not a friend, not a friend greet
My poor corpse, there my bones shall be thrown
A thousand, thousand souls to save
Lay me, O, where
True blue flower, find my grave
To grow there ...
STARK collapses to his tortured knees.
A mellifluous voice, as I am a true knight! My heart breaks, an’ I never knew I had it...
That’s a love song?!
‘Tis the only I know, sir.
Enter Noranti stage right.
What a caterwauling do you keep here, Rygel! If my lady have not called up her steward Harvey
and bid him to throw you out of doors, never trust me.
Oh, but what harm in singing? ‘Tis a contagious spirit!
Crais begins to sing and dance almost drunkenly about the stage.
O Aeryn Mine, Where Are You Roaming?
O stay and hear, your truelove’s coming!
That can fly both high and low
We’ll scape much further, pretty sweeting
Journeys begin in lover’s meeting
Every farmer’s son doth know ...
Enter HARVEY stage right.
My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to gabble
like boy bands at this time of night? Do you make a bawdy planet of my lady’s house, that
you squeak out your kareoke without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of
place, persons, nor time in you?
We did keep time, sir, in our drums. Frell off!
Aye ... be gone from my presence, knave!
Dominar Rygel, I must round with you. My lady bade me tell you that , though she harbors you
as her comrade, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and
your misdemeanors, you are welcome to this house. If not, and it would please you to take
leave of her ... I am VERY willing to see you out. Personally.
Thou dost not scare me, villain. Go, cretin, go polish thy rods!
Noranti, another stoop of wine!
Mistress Noranti, if you prize my lady’s favor at anything more than contempt, you would not
give means for this uncivil rule.
Would thou like my help with thy rods instead, m’lord?
Uhhh ... nay, nay, ‘tis quite all right!
HARVEY runs away stage right.
That villain forgets his place. Something needs be done.
O, leave to me. I’m just the Fool for fooling that fool, if he does it not himself. I know I
can do it.
Yes ... you bear a special hate for him. Why is that?
I hate him for he loves me.
No more than that?
Nay, there is more. He is ... not Scorpius.
No, he is Harvey. The selfsame Harvey that lived for long in John Crichton’s brain.
Forsooth? How ever did he step from that benighted realm out into this ‘verse?
Scorpius was slain in the final battle with the Scarrens, here on this globe...
Yes, his valor was of great surprise to us all.
No less than thine, Dominar.
I thank thee, Fool.
The fatal blow, however, was struck by a most curious weapon. Scorpius’ brain was clean
wiped, yet his body remained in good order working.
Crichton, shortly before he was seemingly lost to us, suggested we allow Harvey to inherit
The transfer was done ... so the neural clone now walks all miles in his original’s shoes.
And possessing some memory leftovers, he thinks to love me too! I’ll have none.
None but revenge.
Oh, aye, I’ll have that. By turning his attentions to a far more interesting reception. For
I can write very like anyone, so we can hardly make distinction of our hands.
An amazing talent!
But one of the lady’s endless supply.
They do say ‘bioloid’ is ‘plot bunny’ in the Kempernian tongue ...
And so ... if anyone yet has a care ... I shall make Harvey think, by the letters that I shall
drop, that they come from Chiana, and that she’s in love with him.
O, ‘twill be admirable!
I wanted to be an admiral, once ...
For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell!
Come knight, come knight ...
RYGEL leads CRAIS out, following SIKOZU off stage right. STARK
hangs back with NORANTI, bridging us into...
Friend Stark, tarry a moment...
Come, walk with me. There’s someone I wish you to see. Come, to the garden.
STARK and NORANTI walk in place, giving the illusion of their
walking out from the ‘house’ into the ‘garden’. ZHAAN (veiled so none can see her
face) backs into the scene from stage left, kneeling as if tending flowers.
Who is she?
She is the midnight gardener, who so loves the flowers and the stars that she must tend both
at once. She comes here every night.
Her face is twice as masked as mine own ...
And so shall it remain ... until she finds the one who will marry her, who will love her
And so you show her to me? Noranti, my heart was lost with another ...
I pray you, Stark...for her sake, and your own...let her find it, let her tend it. Like her
flowers, like her stars.
I ... shall think on it.
That is all I ask.
Exit STARK and NORANTI stage right. Exit ZHAAN stage left.
Enter RYGEL, CRAIS and SIKOZU, stage right. SIKOZU carries the
letter. All three gather at center stage, watching stage right over their shoulders for
Here comes the clone-ed villain. How now, Sikozu, my golden child?
Get you two behind the shrubbery...’tis how not to be seen. Harvey’s coming down this
walk. He has been yonder in the sunlight, practicing domination to his own shadow this half
hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a fahrbots idiot
of him. (RYGEL and CRAIS hide.)
Lie thou there ... (SIKOZU sets down the letter, then joins
the others in hiding.) For here comes the trout that must be caught with
Enter HARVEY stage right.
‘Tis but fortune, all is fortune. I could’ve been a Master of the Universe, like my
kinsman Skeletor ... calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown, having come
from a daybed, where I have left Sikozu sleeping -
Asking for the Dominar ...
O, frellniks and cold food!
Rygel approaches, curtsies there to me ...
Shall this fellow live?
And to him I say, “You must amend your flatulance! Yes, or else the Chair for you ... yes
Oh, a chair he’ll have ... my throne-sled ...!
Oh ... that would be kind of thee ...
I’ll rammeth it so far up his ... !
HARVEY leans down, picking up the letter, opening it.
What have we here? By my strife, this is Chiana’s hand!
That butler Harvey, that gothic horror
Who’da thunk, him I should adore
How I hunger for his black licorice lips
Dreaming of him ... ooh, it sways mine hips ...
As HARVEY continues to read, increasingly boggled, he
“imagines” CHIANA entering stage left, dancing suggestively around him. She reads the rest
CHIANA & HARVEY:
If one night into thy bed I should fall ... enjoy. In experience I am above
thee, but be not afraid of mine greatness. Some are born great, some learn greatness, and some
have greatness thrust upon them. To fate, open thy cooling suit. Let thy cold skin and hot
blood embrace me ...
Oh my word ... !
CHIANA & HARVEY:
And to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and
shaketh thy booty. Be forward, let thy tongue suggest. She thus advises thee that moans for
thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wishes to see thee ever cross-gartered.
I say, remember. Go to, thou art frelled, if thou desire’st to be so.
As Harvey reads these last lines, “Pop Goes the Weasel” is
played. As he finishes the letter, on the song’s final “POP!”, his cooling rod pops out
of his head, bonking Braca, who glares at Chiana. CHIANA then slinks back offstage left as
Oh my ... midnight and aurora chair uncovers not more! I do not now fool myself, to let
borrowed memories jade me. Sikozu be hanged ... Chiana excites me! Why, she loves me! She did
commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered ... methought
in jest, but now seems not. In this she manifests herself to my love and, with a kind of
injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my scars, I am happy. I will be
strange, SEX-AY, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting
on. Science and my scars be praised! Here is yet a postscript ...
If thou entertain’st my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles
become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet. I prithee.
Oh, I will
smile! I will do everything thou wilt have me ...
HARVEY exits stage right. The others collapse laughing. Finally
SIKOZU gathers her wits.
If you will then see the spoils of this sport, mark his first approach before Chiana. He will
come to her in yellow stockings, and ‘tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion
she detests; and he will smile upon her, which she’ll find most plainly creepy ... I do not
expect her to suffer him long! If you will see it, follow me!
To the gates of Hezmana, thou most excellent devil of wit!
And I too!
SIKOZU leads RYGEL and CRAIS off stage right.
...Continued (Act Three)