RYGEL: His Eminence, Quinn
OLIVIA: Laura (Leah99)
HARVEY: Jessica (InsectLady)
STANZ: Devra (pk)
BRACA: Jenni (NaiveAndTrue)
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This
script has been edited from its original version. It has been modified to better fit the
inspired zaniness that occurred on stage, and the brilliant improvisation of the performers.
Thy humble author thanks them for making this story come alive ... he could not have asked for
more shining stars.
Enter PILOT as Chorus.
Previously on Farscape were my friends
Seen hanging from the metaphoric cliff.
Pray pardon, gentles; for resolution remains
Within the realms of fanfic and what-ifs.
But Scapespeare, fruit of love, today plays on!
Though some cycles have passed since last thou knew
Brave Luxan D’Argo, Captain my Captain
And the rest of our cantankerous crew
Many rest now on a battle-won world,
In service to my dear Lady Aeryn...
Yet where is John, what lost traveler found?
What’s the time (besides for leather wearin’)?
The Twelfth Hour: the last of old, first of new
My friends, all depends ‘pon your point of view!
OLIVIA stumbles onto
stage, stage right, and moves to center.
The stars shine darkly over me...and soon, e’en those lights shall out. The Farscape Two
hath carried me against all expectation, to these very Uncharted Territories,...only to wreck
‘pon this barren rock. Little food, less water, surely frelled am I! And nay in the goodly
Enter Stanz, stage
left, bright and sunny as always.
Hallo, m’lady! Pray tell me, do I know thee? For thy aspect puts me in mind of...well, a man
I once knew. But never can you tell, as I know best of anyone!
And who might you be, good sir?
Oh, no sir!
(Well, this is very turnabout.) Beg pardon...madam?
Now thou has it!
Oh, aye...confusion by the tail.
Thou may call me madam...or Stanz, that’s the better.
Not a gentle lady, but a lady...
Though not simply spied by the nekkid eye.,
Unless, of course, rudely nekkid AM I!
Ah...I see...methinks. And need see no more, thank ye!
Oh, I like thee, lass! What art thou called?
Olivia Crichton? You would have no brother, perchance?
I do indeed have a brother. John by name, though it was said he much resembled me (when hidden
or short cut was my hair), yet of many accounted handsome, especially from behind. But though
I could not with estimable wonder overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish
him: he bore a mind that envy could not but call fair.
John Crichton, you say?
Aye, m’lady...do you know him?
Oh, aye, m’lady! We once did meet. He traveled with a most comely companion...
Aeryn Sun, aye.
If’n ye like, m’lady. Ka D’Argo was in my mind...and ever in mine heart.
STANZ sighs. OLIVIA
looks to the audience helplessly.
But what of my brother? Did you see him of late?
Nay, not of late, lady...and truth be told
Thy LATE brother, or rumor would have him.
But never have I set ship with rumor
(Or rarely), and the John Crichton I knew
Would not easily die (twice anyway).
So does he live, or does he not?!
I believe he does, lady, and that is all I can say. But if you would learn more, let me by
your servant. I can take thee to the noble Captain D’Argo. If any have news of your most
gallant brother, it shall be he.
I am lost, alone, in a distant space.
My brother must I find, or least the truth.
There is a fair behavior in thee...if strange.
And though that nature with a beauteous wall
Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee
I will believe thou hast a mind that suits
This curious fair outward character.
I will trust thee.
Then away we go, to Moya and good Captain D’Argo...tee hee!
Exit STANZ and OLIVIA
Enter PILOT as Chorus.
Thus with imagined wing our swift scene flies
In motion of no less rapid advance
Than that of starburst. Imagine now, friends
That curious cumbersome ship of Stanz
(Though it looks not like much, her baby still
Has it where it counteth, she will insist)
Docking here with Moya - my home, my love;
Ka D’Argo’s flagship, villains to resist.
Know you now new security hath been
Installed since last you saw us on thy screens
Devices to destroy strange visitors
If unsummoned and ne’er as crewmen seen
Stanz she has a crafty plan to get past -
Yet longer far than planned shall deception last...
Enter STANZ and OLIVIA
stage left. OLIVIA is now dressed as John Crichton.
Now with this nifty image inducer
I have you outfitted, most ingenious
Technology and a touch of witchcraft
That suits you all points like your brother John.
Thus shall you walk us safe past all sensors
Set to destroy intruders on this most
Valiant of ships ... art thou prepared, my dear?
I’ve an ersatz Wynona on mine hip,
A digital mask of John’s own face, and
Sexy black leather all from head to toe ...
Indeed, friend, let us go.
Thy aspect’s perfection (if that’s your thing)
But how lies the heart that’s beating within?
Lie there what hidden sister’s fear there will
We’ll have the swishing beloved behind ...
Indeed, when else fails, e’en though it sound crass -
John Crichton is ever known by his ass!
But past defenses my self shall reveal
To learn at last my brother’s whole true tale
For good or ill.
Aye, friend, once in the clear thy disguise
Should switch off quite simply - that button there.
Then let us go.
STANZ and OLIVIA cross
to center stage. Enter D’ARGO stage right.
Here comes the Captain.
Stand ho! Who’s here ‘pon my ship?
Friends to this crew.
STANZ: (Mostly to herself)
Friendlier still, if thou would have me ...
D’ARGO: (Recognizing “John”)
John ... John Crichton?! Thou lives! Pilot, let the defense systems stand down. John
D’ARGO runs to
OLIVIA, crushing her in a massive bear hug. A loud CRUNCH sound effect is heard.
Nay, my captain ... ! You must ... I will explain ... !
OLIVIA manages to get
one hand free, and punch at the button Stanz shows her. Nothing happens.
The cursed device be frelled! Only my brother can he see!
D’ARGO stands back a little holding OLIVIA at arm’s length, looking
“John” up and down.
Marry, Crichton, thou fool! We thought you dead for sure and for all this time, vanished in
that interplan’tary tempest ... when thy ship did split ‘pon the meteor rocks!
Then perchance, truly, my brother John is dead ...
Yet still perchance not - he got no close look!
I’ll not believe brother finally gone
Till his body’s seen - like in comic books!
Still, if more to learn,
my true self must I reveal to good Captain D’Argo.
If Stanz’ witchery shall not be shut off,
at least in words he shall know ...
(OLIVIA turns back to
Good Captain, I fear I am not -
STANZ quickly pulls
OLIVIA aside, downstage left.
Friend, caution take, for this witchcraft is of
Military make; designed with fail safes!
If while it’s still active any should see
That you do NOT in fact John Crichton be ...
Aye? What then?
Aye, well then it shall ... self destruct, I fear.
To save thee from torture and most horrid
Errr, more horrid death as a spy, you see?
Lovely. And so my brother must I play?
Until such time as device is ‘gain fixed.
D’ARGO steps over,
pulling OLIVIA away again, and shooing STANZ away.
Stand you awhile aloof. Crichton, old friend,
One favor would I ask, and then of course
Without delay a transport pod shall be
Prepared, and thou sent ‘pon thy way.
To the great world estate of thy lady
Aeryn! With thy betrothed reunited!
I ask but to send a letter with thee
Unclasping the book of my secret soul
To her lady in waiting ... she you knew
As our sweet, irrepressible, dear Chi ...
All through this last
speech, D’ARGO is leading OLIVIA off stage right. STANZ pipes up right before they exit.
And what of me, m’lord? Might you have some place for me here?
Nay, my ... acquaintance ... thou hast done thy part.
Pilot, see to her refreshment and ship
And the kind Ms. Stanz may depart forthwith.
D’ARGO and OLIVIA exit stage right.
STANZ turns to the audience, sighs, then exits stage left.
Enter PILOT as Chorus.
Now swift as scene’s change we all do arrive
On a world our Aeryn alone doth rule
Liberated in battle with Scarrens
Her own free shining jewel (not screaming Jool)
In quiet corner of uncharted space,
A perfect retirement but for one thing:
Her John Crichton’s gone, and all she hath left
Is their sweet child, and his mother’s ring.
(At this point, AERYN
cross the stage in front of PILOT, carrying the baby doll - crying if possible!)
Yet never alone, our sad mourning Sun
With loud old friends is her house ever filled.
Watch now as Rygel brings him another
Whom Aeryn, and I, had long since thought killed ...
Follow now the scene on Aeryn’s fair world
Before “John” arrives, and all becomes swirled ...
Exit PILOT. Enter RYGEL
What a plague means Aeryn, to take the death of Crichton thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to
For all thy long life, you’ve much yet to learn of care, dear Rygel, of friends and of
And as House Healer, friend Noranti, I suppose thou would teach me?
Perchance. But what is this I heard talk of this morning, of a foolish knight you brought here
last night to be her wooer? You know as I she needs none, she’ll have none.
O, this one she might, for I mean her to ... so that with her will and his ship, I might soon
again have my throne! Let me introduce thee, m’lady, to a very old friend ...
Enter CRAIS stage
Dominar Rygel the Belch! How now, Dominar Belching Rygel?
Sweet former Captain Crais! (To Noranti)
Bless you, fair shrew.
And you too, sir.
Our good sir Crais has just returned from a very long trip ...
Aye, to Death in the fall. I fear perhaps it did some harm to my wit, for I think sometimes I
now have no more wit than a Crichton or an ordinary man has ...
CRAIS dances randomly
around the stage. Noranti takes Rygel aside.
Oh, would I had bestowed that time in the arts, in dancing, that I have in war!
This is the man you hope to win back your throne?
He still hath a ship, and very big gun ...
He is a very fool and a prodigal.
Crais dances off stage
left. As Rygel and Noranti follow, enter STARK and SIKOZU, stage right.
Did someone call, is someone blue?
To serve, to cheer ... we’re Fools One and Two!
Oh, fie, I hate this job!
Lady Aeryn is kind ... why must you always be so annoyed?
Stimulating work is but so hard to find ... when thou art an unemployed bioloid! (Pauses, tilting her head, hearing an approach)
Hark, Stark, here comes our lady!
STARK and SIKOZU stand
at attention near stage right, but first push and bicker over who stands closer to the
My side, thy side, my side, thy side!
SIKOZU and STARK agree
on places just as AERYN sweeps in stage right with CHIANA. HARVEY and BRACA follow close
STARK: (aside to the audience)
Wit, an’ be it thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee do
very often prove fools, and I that am sure that I lack thee may pass for a wise Banik. For
what says Fozzyopolus? “Better a witty Fool than a foolish wit.”
Stars bless thee, lady.
Harvey, take the Fools away. I am not in the humour today.
Braca, take the Fools away.
BRACA: (aside to the audience)
My lady Aeryn is of such fine nobility that even her butler has a butler. So how is it that I
always end up on the butt end? Ah well...so long as I may continue to duck the punch line. (Moves to take the arms of Stark and Sikozu,)
Come, fools, away!
SIKOZU: (looking at Aeryn and Chiana)
Yes, away, ladies
Sikozu, I bade them take away you.
Misprision in the highest degree! Good Lady Sun, give us leave to prove you both fools.
Make your proof.
Good ladies, why mourn’st thou?
Good Fools, for John Crichton’s death! Again.
I think his soul is in hell, ladies.
You should know his soul is in heaven, Fool! Twice over...
The more foolish, ladies, to mourn for Crichton’s soul, being in heaven. Take away the
What think you of these Fools, Harvey? Do they not burn?
Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake them. Insanity, that decays the wise, doth
ever make the better Fool.
So sayeth the bitter fool.
Enter Noranti stage
Lady, there is at the gate a familiar gentleman much desires to speak with you.
What is familiar?
Most familiar to you both, I think. Though we as yet seem curiously unfamiliar to him.
I’ve little patience with your riddles today, madam. Let him approach.
Enter OLIVIA as John,
to everyone’s amazement. Aeryn stares, frozen, jaw dropped as "John" crosses in
front of her. Olivia returns her gaze nervously, like a rabbit facing a Rottweiler
Chiana, meanwhile, does a quadruple-take, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like
“Wha? Huh? Wubba-wubba-wubba-wubba Huh????”
Elnea volunteered to yell and fly all the way across the stage into Olivia’s arms, so as to
be properly in character, but it is so hard to get good flying-wire teams on short notice in
The honorable lady of the house, which is she?
That is my ... name. Do you know me?
Do we know thee?!
It seems you no longer know us ...
I fear my memory, like the Jedi, is all but extinct ...
So close and yet so far ...
John ... you must remember ...
I am sorry, lady, truly. I come but to deliver a message.
To thee, lady. Fare thee well.
OLIVIA hands CHIANA the
letter from D’Argo, and hurries out stage left.
AERYN: (Mostly to herself) John, o my John ...
Shall we just let him go?!
No ... no, we shall not! HARVEY!
Aye, my lady?
Run after that peevish Erpman!. He left these rings behind him, and he’ll return in them,
will he or no! (Aeryn pulls pink fuzzy
handcuffs out of her bodice) I have ever kept them close to my heart. Hie
HARVEY: (passing cuffs to Braca) Hie thee, Braca!
Madam, I will.
HARVEY jogs in place as
BRACA runs out stage left after OLIVIA.
I’ll do I know not what, and fear to find
If we can not restore John to his mind
Fate, show thy force. Ourselves we do not owe.
What is decreed must be, and be this so.
Exit ALL remaining
...Continued (Act Two)